Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dread and Hope among a million other feelings

Oh geez I don't want to do this again. I am all packed up and ready to go to Houston. Chris is napping right now and I am just enjoying my last few hours here at home. At least we wont be gone as long as we were gone last time. Should be a week or less . I am so thankful I have someone to watch my house and pets, that's a REAL relief. I am just dreading the drive and just doing this all over again.  I keep praying that when we get there the Doctors will say, "Mrs. Verzwyvelt we can't believe this but all the cancer is gone, its a Miracle, you can take your husband home now".... Wouldn't that be Awesome?  I know this is just the beginning of this fight but I am already so tired. I am so frustrated feeling  this mass of feelings that range from Anger to Sadness to Hope. I am scared honestly. I am scared that the chemo treatments wont work, I am scared that cancer will take the man I love, I am scared he will be in pain, I am scared that I don't know what the future will hold but I guess no one does and I have to quit worrying about it because I don't know. I keep saying to myself everything is going to be OK and I pray so hard till I can't pray anymore and that is all I can do. I have been reading my bible that my friend Mandi gave me  and I keep the prayer cloth that my cousin Shontell gave us on Chris at all times these things give me hope and comfort.
I am happy to say that one of Chris's tumors that is visible under the skin under is shoulder blade is visibly down at least by 60% I would say. I don't know if I ever blogged about that tumor but when Chris was in the hospital at Cabrini he had several Melanomas just pop up in the fatty layer of the skin a couple on his head, one on his neck, one under his shoulder blade and one on his side. I actually have a picture of 2 that they removed one from his neck and one from his head if you would like to see them. Its just a tiny bit gross but I will link the pics below.

Removing 2 small Melanomas for Biopsy
Normally the tissue from Melanomas are Gray or Black the lady who removed them said this was the first time ever she had seen them pink/fleshy colored.. I wonder if that is a good thing?

Chris having his neck Stitched back up

Anyways that's the news!  I feel better getting some feelings out on here. I just gotta suck it up and deal with and let God handle the rest.

Love you all.

xo
k

3 comments:

DanielaScheuermann said...

Hey Kendra...I follow your Blog now for a while and i pray for your Husband every Night!
I am so sorry you and your Hubby are going through such a horrible time together!I so hope everthing is going OK as you say all the time to yourself!Kepp thinking the Good that will help to stay strong for both of you! ;) Big Hugs from germany!Dani

Dani`s World said...

Hey Kendra...I follow your Blog now for a while and i pray for your Husband every Night!
I am so sorry you and your Hubby are going through such a horrible time together!I so hope everthing is going OK as you say all the time to yourself!Kepp thinking the Good that will help to stay strong for both of you! ;) Big Hugs from germany!Dani

Mandi said...

Hey friend,
Just wanted to let you know that I've been praying for you and your sweet hubby. I know God has this situation under control. I pray you will feel His peace as you deal with your own emotions. That is great news that the visible tumor is shrinking. It would be so awesome if the cancer was just gone and I believe it's possible; however, if it takes a while that's ok too. Love you!